Reframing Failure: Why Your Definition Determines Your Leadership Growth

I was sitting in a packed conference hall, excited to hear the keynote speaker I'd been looking forward to for weeks. Then my phone buzzed with an email notification. Without thinking, I glanced down and opened it.

Bad move.

The email was from a stakeholder, letting me know my team had dropped the ball on a critical deliverable. In an instant, I could feel my whole demeanor change. I was practically turning red with steam coming out of my ears like some cartoon character(my kids would say "ewww, cringe" and it was). My fingers were already tapping out a frustrated response when something made me pause.

Wait a minute. What are you doing? You're here to listen to this speaker. This email doesn't warrant this reaction. Take a breath. SLOW DOWN. Listen to the speaker and then gather some additional information before responding.

I put my phone away, took a deep breath, and refocused on the presentation. Later, with a clearer head, I gathered more context and addressed the situation thoughtfully.

I was disappointed by my initial reaction, but also pleased that I recognized it and shifted my response. That moment has stayed with me ever since, a perfect example of how our definition of failure dictates whether we react impulsively or respond thoughtfully.

For leaders looking to grow their impact, understanding the relationship between your beliefs (in this case my beliefs about failure) and your subsequent actions is the first step toward meaningful change.

The Hidden Power of Your Failure Definition

Here's the thing about failure—our response to it isn't random. It's a direct reflection of what we believe failure means. These beliefs are like invisible scripts running in the background of our minds, automatic when triggered.

Think about these different ways of defining failure:

• "Failure means I'm not good enough."

• "Failure is proof I'm pushing boundaries and taking necessary risks."

• "Failure is just feedback that my current approach needs tweaking."

  
  

Each definition elicits a different chain reaction in your mind, body, and actions.

If you're operating with that first definition (and let's be honest, many of us are), you'll experience failure as a threat to your identity. Your brain registers this similarly to physical danger, activating that fight-flight-freeze response we all know too well. Stress hormones flood your system, blood diverts from your prefrontal cortex, and suddenly your ability to think clearly goes right out the window.

I've seen this play out countless times with leaders who:

• Get defensive when receiving feedback - been there

• Avoid taking risks that could lead to breakthroughs

• Start the blame game when projects don't go as planned

• Micromanage their teams because they're terrified of things going wrong - have been here more than I'd like to admit

  
  

But flip the script to that third definition, and everything changes. Instead of existential threat, you experience momentary disappointment. You stay connected to your rational brain, allowing you to analyze what happened objectively, extract the lessons, and pivot strategically.

Beliefs: The Foundation of Your Failure Response

Let's get real about where these beliefs come from. They weren't formed overnight. They developed through:

• Emotional experiences connected to times you felt you failed

• The messages your family sent about achievement and mistakes

• Those early childhood experiences with success and disappointment

• Work environments that either punished you for failing or helped you learn from it

  
  

These beliefs operate below the surface, which makes them incredibly powerful. They're not just intellectual positions—they're emotional truth claims that feel absolutely real to you.

I remember working with a mid level leader who grew up with a father who emphasized perfection in everything. Any grade less than an A was met with disappointment and questioning. By the time she started leading teams, she had an impressive track record—and a complete inability to acknowledge her impact on her team when things weren't going well. Her team was afraid to bring problems to her attention because her reaction was intense and emotional. Her belief? Failure wasn't just about a project not succeeding—it was a reflection of her fundamental worth.

The first step in transforming your relationship with failure is bringing these beliefs into the light. Only then can you look at them and decide if they're actually helping you achieve what you want as a leader.

Uncovering Your Failure Beliefs

Here's a simple exercise I've worked through. Take a moment to reflect on:

1. How were mistakes handled in your early education?

2. What messages about failure did you hear growing up?

3. What's your earliest memory of failing at something important to you?

4. How does your body feel when you experience a setback?

5. What's the first thought that pops into your head when a project doesn't go as planned?

   
   

The patterns in your answers reveal the shape of your failure beliefs. Pay particular attention to those emotionally charged memories—they often point to when your core beliefs were formed.

React vs. Respond: The Leadership Difference

When failure hits (and it will), we have two fundamental options: we can react or respond. Though these words are often used interchangeably, they represent completely different approaches with very different outcomes.

Reaction: The Default Mode

Reacting to failure is like being on autopilot—and not in a good way. It's:

• Automatic and unconscious

• Driven by emotion (usually fear or anger)

• All about self-protection

• Immediate with minimal reflection

  
  

When you react to failure, you're operating from your emotional brain rather than your rational brain. This explains why your reactions often don't align with who you really want to be as a leader.

I've seen leaders in reaction mode:

• Fire off emails they later regret

• Call "emergency" meetings that just create more anxiety

• Make hasty decisions to show they're "taking action"

• Suddenly become unavailable when their team needs them most

• Launch into full detective mode trying to find who's to blame

  
  

These reactions might give you temporary relief from the discomfort you're feeling, but they usually make the original problem worse and damage the trust your team has in you.

Response: The Leadership Advantage

Responding to failure is an entirely different game. It's:

• Intentional and conscious

• Aligned with your values

• Focused on finding solutions

• Thoughtfully considered

• Based on what's happening now and the downstream impact

  
  

When you respond to failure, you're engaging your prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain that allows you to think strategically, maintain perspective, and model the behavior you want to see in your team. The ability to respond rather than react is often what separates exceptional leaders from average ones. And the good news—this is a skill you can develop.

Transforming Your Failure Framework

So how do you make this shift from reactive to responsive leadership? It requires deliberate work on your relationship with failure. Here are some practical strategies I've seen work:

1. Develop Self-Awareness

You can't change what you don't notice. Start by understanding your current patterns:

• Track your physical responses: What happens in your body when you're entering reaction mode? Does your jaw tighten? Do your shoulders creep up toward your ears? Does your breathing get shallow? What do you feel? These physical cues can be your early warning system.

• Understand your reaction behavior: What are your go-to reactions when things go sideways? Do you get quiet and withdraw? Do you get loud and take control? Do you immediately look for someone to blame? Write these patterns down.

• Examine your beliefs: Take a hard look at what you believe about failure. Are these beliefs actually true, or are they just assumptions you've never questioned? Would you want the people you care about to hold these same beliefs?

  
  

2. Implement Pattern Interrupts

Once you notice yourself moving into reaction mode, you need ways to interrupt the pattern:

• Use the 6-second rule: That initial surge of emotion when you perceive failure lasts about six seconds. Simply counting to six can help you move beyond the initial reaction. I've used this countless times, and it works.

• Try breathing techniques: A few deep breaths activates your parasympathetic nervous system, counteracting the stress response. I like the 4-6-8 technique (AKA box breathing): breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 6, exhale for 8.

• Change your physical state: Stand up, stretch, or take a quick walk. Physical movement can interrupt the cycle of reaction. In my conference situation, just putting my phone down and refocusing on the speaker was enough to break the reactive cycle.

  
  

3. Rewrite Your Failure Definition

This is where the real transformation happens. Consciously create new beliefs about failure that actually serve your leadership goals:

• Get specific with your language: Write out exactly how you want to define failure going forward. Mine is: "Failure is data that helps me make better decisions next time."

• Create visual reminders: Find something that works for you—a quote, an image, a symbol—that reminds you of your new definition.

• Share your commitment: Tell someone you trust about your intention to reframe failure. This makes you accountable and gives them permission to call you on it when you slip back into old patterns.

  
  

4. Practice Deliberate Response

Like any skill, responding rather than reacting takes practice:

• Use prompts to shift your thinking: Develop go-to questions that guide your thinking when facing setbacks. Mine include: "What can I learn from this?" and "What would be most helpful for the team right now?"

• Establish a pause practice: When failure occurs, deliberately take time before taking action. Even just 5 minutes can make a huge difference. I like the "sleep on it" or "24-hour rule" for significant setbacks—no major decisions (or actions) for 24 hours.

• Conduct reflection reviews: After navigating a failure, take time to review what went well in your response and what you'll do differently next time. This builds your capacity for future situations.

  
  

Modeling Failure Reframing for Your Team

As your relationship with failure evolves, you have the opportunity to shift your entire team's approach. Leaders who effectively model healthy failure responses create environments where failure is not feared.

Consider how you might:

• Make failure discussions normal: In your next team meeting, try starting with "What's something that didn't go as planned this week, and what did we learn?" Do this consistently, and watch how the conversation shifts.

• Create learning systems: Develop structured approaches to extract and implement lessons from failures. Simple after-action reviews can be helpful here.

• Share your own journey: Talk openly about how you're working to reframe failure in your own leadership. Your vulnerability creates space for others to do the same.

  
  

Teams who can effectively learn from failure consistently outperform those who avoid or punish it. According to research from Harvard Business School, organizations with psychological safety—where people believe they won't be punished for making mistakes—report higher engagement and greater productivity (Edmondson, A. C., & Lei, Z. (2014). "Psychological Safety: The History, Renaissance, and Future of an Interpersonal Construct." Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 1(1), 23-43).

Conclusion

Here's what I've come to believe after years of working with leaders (and facing plenty of my own failures): your definition of failure is like the operating system running your leadership. Change the operating system, and everything else changes too.

When you shift from seeing failure as a personal catastrophe to viewing it as valuable information, you transform not just how you feel about challenges but the actual impact you have on everyone around you.

This shift doesn't happen overnight. Some days you'll nail it, responding thoughtfully to even the most frustrating situations. Other days, you'll find yourself firing off that reactive email before you even realize what you're doing. That's okay—I still have plenty of reactive moments myself! The difference now is that I catch myself faster and can course-correct more quickly.

The question isn't whether you'll experience failure as a leader—you will. The real question is whether those inevitable failures will derail you or develop you. By consciously reframing how you think about failure, you create space for the kind of growth that transforms your leadership and impact on others.

So what beliefs about failure are currently running in the background of your leadership? And what might become possible if you chose different beliefs? I'm genuinely curious to hear your thoughts.